Sarasota, FL (Sarasota Sun Times)- It wasn't hyped at all, but it was still a disappointment. In a game filled with dropped passes, high blood alcohol levels, the first ever overtime, and the newly mandated Brokeback Mountain references--or, rather, one reference used over and over again--one would think that Nuptial Nightmare IV: Sand In My Vagina had all the makings of a ratings blockbuster. The nail-biting 28-21 game, however, was the worst game in SNMFC history.

The game started off with the usual picking of the teams. The victors consisted of SNMFC superstar Jamie Hall, the groom Marc Lucente, the best man Scott Lucente, and SNMFC new comer Andy Dispensa, while the losers consisted of SNMFC Commissioner Jeff Hoose, long forgotten Kevin Seaman, and two of the groom's friends whose names could not be remembered at press time.

After an opening drive defensive stop by Hall's team, they quickly scored on their next possession after Seaman mistakenly blitzed Hall, who then ran the ball 80 yards for the TD. Said Seaman, "I didn't know where the line of scrimmage was...hell, I didn't know WHAT a line of scrimmage was." Hoose's team quickly tied it up on their next possession when one of the groom's nameless friends caught a pass from the other nameless friend and out ran a stumbling and bumbling Lucente the Elder for the score.

A quick touchdown by each team, another rushing by Hall, and one receiving by Commissioner Hoose made the score 14-14. At this point, for some reason, halftime was declared. After water was drunk and cigarettes were smoked, it was decided that regulation was over, and a college style overtime, the first ever in SNMFC history, was to be used to determine the winner. The lone fan at the game was indifferent to the decision.

Both teams scored on their first overtime possessions, a pass from Hall to Lucente the Elder for the eventual victors, and a pass from nameless friend number two to Hoose, taking advantage of Hall's blown coverage, knotting the score at 21 apiece. On their second possession of the overtime, Hall's team decided to use a little tomfoolery by pitching the ball to Lucente the Elder, who then pitched it back to Hall. Hall then scurried 170 yards (only 30 of which counted) for the touchdown. On the ensuing possession Hall tipped a ball out of Hoose's hands and intercepted it to end the game. The lone fan was still indifferent.

Unofficial MVP Hall had this to say after the game, "Seriously, does anyone have any Advil? That Jagermeister last night was a really bad idea."

ESPN 8 "The Ocho", which has a television deal with the SNMFC through whatever year that Hall graduates college, expressed their disappointment over the short game in a statement: "We had a three hour block set aside for them," the statement said. "The game lasted thirty minutes. We had to air a repeat of the 2001 World Series of Scrabble. Talk about a ratings grabber...more like a crotch grabber."

Commissioner Hoose, after consulting with former WWF Commissioner Jack Tunney, issued this statement: "We started this game with great expectations and failed to live up to those expectations. I assure you that no one is happy about this game - especially me, and I know that our fans deserve better than what we produced today."

The SNMFC season is set to resume with Kwanza Khaos IV on Monday, December 26th.

NOTES: The SNMFC was denied licensing to enter the inaugural World Baseball Classic on the grounds that "they don't play baseball"...The grooms father, Gary, was reportedly escorted from the wedding ceremony after banging on the church glass yelling, "LUCENTE! LUCENTE!"...SNMFC regular Chris Rooney was inactive for the game due to what doctors are calling a vaginal rash. He is listed as gay to gay.

December 14, 2005

Groom Marc Lucente, seen here with a plastered Chris Rooney, appears to have shaken off the nightmare that was Nuptial Nightmare IV.

Watch the Nuptial Nightmare IV trailer! Do it!