NEW MILFORD - Brett Ashwood quickly dropped the stigma of "just a soccer player" as he garnered Theismann Trophy honors in leading his team to a 104-78 victory in Jiblet Jam IX: The Last One Before the Next One. Ashwood finished the day with SNMFC records of what is estimated to be 15,000 receiving yards and 40 touchdowns.

The winners held an advantage in terms of athleticism right from the start. Their team of Ashwood, Jeff Hoose, Pat Rooney, Jamie Hall and Mike Shemeley, clearly was genetically superior to the slower footed entourage of Chris Rooney, Brian Durand, Tom Marks, Kevin Dolan, and Chris Plank.

Historic Hill and Plain field was covered in snow, and was soon beaten down into a muskeg of blood and mud, but this did little to turn this game into a defensive slugfest. Even the halftime arrival of Shawn Handyside to play automatic defense with his unique blend of athleticism and football instincts could not slow the teams down.

The winners capitalized on a dropped 4th down pass by Marks and quickly went back down the field to turn that into a 14-0 advantage. When Mike Shemeley pressured Brian Durand into an interception return for a TD by Brett Ashwood the score was 35-14 and the game was essentially over. At no point throughout the rest of the game did the losing squad get within 2 touchdowns.

"I just went after Durand as hard as I could" Shemeley said in reference to his sack. "I didn't even realize he was playing QB. I just saw him and decided I wanted to hit him."

After the game, while accepting his Theismann, Ashwood thanked his lord and savior Jesus Christ, and inexplicably thanked Pat Rooney for his fine quarterbacking performance, even though Rooney was only behind center for 2 series.

Carrying the bulk of the load as quarterback for the victors was Jamie Hall, who managed to play an entire game of mistake free football, save for one intercepted two-point conversion. Even though he was on zero sleep, and chain smoking at every opportunity, Hall was a regular Roger Staubach out there.

"I have to drive all the way back to Pennsylvania to be at work by 9 am tomorrow morning," Hall kept muttering, although no one was really paying attention.

While Ashwood had a record setting day, he was not alone. Jeff Hoose set a new SNMFC record for most receptions of less then 5 yards, and Brian Durand set a record for most underthrown receivers, breaking his own record from last years game.

After the game, Durand shocked the SNMFC, as well as most of civilized earth by announcing that his wife was bearing his child. Chris Rooney's head then proceeded to explode.

The early favorites for the name of his child include Duran Durand and Roberto Durand.

The SNMFC season continues on December 9th with Nuptial Nightmare IV: Sand In My Vagina.

November 28, 2005

Brett Ashwood won the Theismann Award, and you didn't.

Jamie Hall makes a key diving catch on fourth and one to keep the drive alive.

Ashwood shakes off tackles by Chris Rooney and Chris Plank, and goes in for the score.