Southern New Milford (AP) - "Numero Once", the famed Patriot's jersey of SNMFC hooligan Jamie Hall, has apparently been captured by an unknown terrorist group. The jersey was feared lost after the hungover debauchery that was Nuptial Nightmare IV, but recent photographic evidence proves otherwise.

Distrubing images anonymously released to the Associated Press show the polyester poncho bound and blindfolded. In one image, "Numero Once" is being held at knife point by a captor.

Before today's unnerving news, the last person reported to have seen the jersey safe and sound was the recently married Mrs. Nicole Lucente. Lucente laundered the jersey after NNIV, saying, "It took me three weeks to get the smell off my hands...eeww."

Early speculation suggests that the kidnapping is in response to the degrading photographs taken at Abu Ghraib prison. In retaliation, "Numero Once" is pictured in a number compromising postions, such as being stripped naked and threatened with animals.

In a recent security briefing, CIA chief Michael Hayden revealed that intelligence from intercepted terrorist chatter suggested a possible link to the Black Hand, but even more likely, the Swollen Palm.

"Numero Once" ranks fourth all-time in SNMFC appearances, behind Chris Rooney, Jamie Hall, and Jamie Hall's bare ass.

October 27 2006

Numero Once is held at knifepoint.

Abu style: Once is degraded with animals.

The terrorists have already won.